There is grace in the place that you are in. – Christine Caine
This year I, we, will not live in the what-ifs.
A what-if for me is an underlying sense of fear. What-if I mess this up? During one of our two week waits from an IUI, I had a pretty bad toothache. I absolutely refused to go to a dentist until I knew whether I was pregnant or not. This sounds just as insane to me as I am typing it, as I’m sure it does to you. That was the Clomid in full force blurring my logic into a abscessed tooth lunatic. I’m not claiming it was smart. The IUI did not work. Now if you are thinking it may not have worked because of the infection from my tooth, friend my mind has gone there a thousand times too. But there is that what-if talking.
I promised my mom I would see a doctor after I knew. When she asked if I got a thrill out of saying I may be pregnant, I said yes. But the real answer was no. As a person struggling with infertility, every month I think I may be pregnant. Each month I say to myself, and make decisions based off of, I may be pregnant. And each month I’m not. Every month I live in fear of the what-ifs. What-if I’m not pregnant? What-if I am? What-if I’m too stressed out, or that I’m stressing too much about being stressed out? What-if something happens to Will on this work trip and I will be left with no piece of him in a child? I could go on and on. Bottom line, what-if I mess this up?
The day I started my period, marking our third failed IUI, was the green light for me to cut this what-if business out. We immediately booked the trip we were unsure about to a friend’s wedding in Mexico. Unsure because, you know the answer, I may be pregnant. God was telling me that we have to start living our lives, making commitments and plans. And let Him do His work. My wise friend, Beth, will often remind me: do not wait for a baby to start living your life.
I remind myself of who I am outside of infertility? I am a child of God. I am a wife, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, and teacher.
I remind myself of God’s promises and trust in His faithfulness.
I live my life.
This is what I have been making a conscious effort of doing since we decided to take a break from fertility treatments. Overcoming this fear is hard. It is an on-going battle that I need reminding of everyday. Sometimes every hour. My friend, Kasie, touched on being present at one of our most recent support group meetings. And I thought to myself, “yes! yes! exactly.” Being present and grateful in our current place is what I want. When the day comes that our miracle arrives, and that day will come, I don’t want to look back on this precious time we are in now, and only see a desperate and sad pursuit of a baby. I don’t want to miss out on what God is preparing me for in this wait because of my fear, anxiety, and lack of control.
We went on that trip to Mexico and returned home with a bundle of memories. We have said yes to a family trip this summer, and are planning a 5th year anniversary trip. No tickets or hotel arrangements have been made, but I have a dedicated Pinterest board so that makes it official right? We made a list of a few projects around the house, which were put on hold during treatments, that we are slowly checking off. For me this is huge.
As I wake up every morning, in my everyday routine, and sit in the backyard with coffee in hand and Sassy in my lap, throwing the ball to Roux. I whisper be present, be still, soak this in. Thank you God.
Hola from Mexico!