The worship part of service is when I first experienced the presence of God.
Throughout my life I have always connected to music. There are home videos of me singing around the house and many recorded songs & dances with friends and cousins- thank you God that YouTube did not exist in those days! If you knew me back in my Hanson days, you can attest to my passion and obsession for music. If you knew me in high school and college, I’m sure you were given a mixed cd or two, compliments of me. When my cousin Margo got her license, we would drive around with no where to go, belting our lungs out to my aunt’s Celine Dion album. The best part of a road trip is the music right? There was also a brief stint of guitar lessons for a couple of years after college, unfortunately I did not inherit my Papa’s guitar skills. I work at a place where it is my job to sing (with a smile!) all day long. My point being, when I walked into my church for the very first time, it only made sense that I would connect to God through music. Worship music is an entirely new world for me. It is something I did not grow up knowing. I liked that the music was loud, that the stage was full of anointed singers & musicians, and that people were uninhibited, some more than others, in their worship- all of it accepted. I knew I wanted more of this. It might not resonate with everyone, but that’s the beauty of having so many different churches out there and available, this one was a good fit for us.
It was during the worship part of a service at my church that I first heard God’s whisper on my heart. My pastor was encouraging the congregation to tell people what God has done for you. I wondered to myself what I would tell people? I didn’t have a huge event in my life, or some amazing testimony like the ones I had heard since attending my church. And God answered, “everything.” This was way before He led me to my support group, or before anything that has happened over the past year. He whispered this word to me so I would know in advance. So that I would recognize his favor over these past years and call them the God moments that they are. Everything before infertility, everything during, and everything that will happen after infertility. He answered me so I can answer you. So I can sit here and type each post giving Him the credit. He wanted me to tell you, everything.
Our second failed IUI hit me the hardest. Will was working out of town. He was working out of town for the second and for the third, but the second was tough. I felt like, okay God this is not how it is supposed to work. One little failed IUI out of the way and then the second one was supposed to work. This isn’t the plan. It hit me the hardest because it meant that the road was going to be longer, bumpier, than I thought or wanted. I felt alone. The kind of alone where you just want to be alone. The only person I really wanted was my husband. I cried out in my empty, quiet, childless house, “I’m so alone!” I pulled my phone out escaping into the black hole of social media and watched a YouTube video that popped up of Kari Jobe’s, “Let The Heavens Open,” and fell in love. Melissa and Beth had mentioned her to me before, but I didn’t know who she was. The song was from her album, Majestic. I immediately downloaded the entire album. And then listened to the song, “I Am Not Alone.” This was exactly what I needed to hear. God answered my cry through the form of a song that I could understand, that touched my heavy heart. I am not alone, he is present and fighting for me. I decided to get up off of the couch and get dressed to meet up with my support group buddies for dinner instead of isolating myself at home. If I had not gone to that dinner, I would not have sat across from my precious and fast talking friend, Heather, getting to know her a little better. I listened to Majestic the entire drive to dinner and the drive home. I even told Heather about it, and was glad to know she only had knowledge of one Kari Jobe song, at least I wasn’t the only one in the dark. I continued to listen to Majestic on repeat. This album speaks straight to my heart and has kept me connected to God during some of the darkest days of infertility. Days when I don’t even know what to say to God, I sing the words to these songs to him instead. Months and months later Heather, Melissa, and I attended a Kari Jobe concert together. And in my music fan obsessed fashion, I made sure to be one of the first in line to get in, snagged us third row seats, all while dragging Heather along with me.