Here I sit on my couch marking the first day of a two week wait. A two week wait not after the IVF cycle we were geared up for, but an IUI performed this morning. I wish I could put our story in a cute, neat little box tied with the most perfect color coordinating ribbon friends, but I can’t. I wish I could wrap it up nicely for you and tell you everything worked out as planned, but I can’t. These past few days have been tough. This is also the hardest part about being so open with our story, the sticky parts, the falling short, the admission of failure, is not easy.
“Trust God, not Google”- something I told my support group last year. Not realizing then, how much I would be repeating it to myself over this past month preparing for IVF. God has been whispering everywhere I turn to trust Him. Last year’s round of treatments, I found myself researching everything. Through Dr. Google, or course. I clung to every single follicle I had each cycle and their measurements, every estrogen level, every progesterone level, you name it I knew my numbers! I would enter these numbers into Google and for hours compare my results to the results of other women posting on message boards going through fertility treatment like me. This did nothing but induce anxiety. I also had in my perfect plans we would do so many cycles, all back-to-back by a certain time before Will headed off to a work trip in Japan. When going into what would be our last IUI cycle before his big trip, I had a collapsed corpus luteum. If this was producing too much estrogen, the cycle would be canceled. Yeah, that can’t happen. God, remember about the back-to-back plan? And it didn’t because it wasn’t producing too much estrogen and we were able to move forward with the IUI. This collapsed corpus luteum threw me off my game. I could plan all of these cycles and have a perfect timeline, but I actually have absolutely no control over any of it like I think I do. My body proved that to me. God is the one who does. This is when I decided, “I’m trusting God, not Google.” I stopped Googling every single symptom. I wrote down my test results, but stopped looking them up on the internet. A huge weight of responsibility, and pressure, that I didn’t even realize I was carrying was lifted off of my shoulders. I wasn’t the one who had to be in charge. Throughout my walk with infertility I have been faced with trusting God. Not just a little bit, trusting Him with everything. You are not alone if this is tough for you. This is tough for me. It does not come naturally, or easy for me. I like to plan…everything! I like to be in control of… everything! This is an area that I still need to work on. That I will probably never be perfect in. I said it on that night at our meeting a year ago because I am the one who needed to hear it the most. I needed those words, and still need them, to help me. And when trust was discussed at my last support group, it built upon what had already been stirring in my soul. It hugged my heart and God said, “this talk on trust tonight was for you.”