Really Real

I’m pregnant!

I’ve wanted to make this announcement for almost three years. And now I’m at a complete loss for words. I haven’t even wrapped my mind around all of it. But its real. REALLY REAL. After three months short of trying for three years, three failed IUIs, one 5K, one Fundraiser, one failed IVF cycle turned IUI, I am going to be a mom. Will is going to be a dad. God turned an impossible situation and made the possible happen.

He took our failing IVF cycle that my Dr. made the call to cancel and instead move forward with our fourth IUI, and turned me from a barren woman into a future mother. I was devastated when our IVF was cancelled. I have never cried so hard about anything in my entire life. It was truly a loss that I had to grieve. I just wanted to get the IUI over with so I could go home and lay on my couch to feel sorry for myself. I wanted the two week wait to be over with so I could figure out how to put myself back together and dig deep for the strength to try it all over again.

A few people have asked me why this IUI worked when the others didn’t? My only answer is this is what God had planned out long ago for our journey. Our story isn’t over, but how we got here to this point is proof that even when your faith and your trust is a little shaky, God is always faithful. He is steadfast. I prayed so hard for my body to work how it was designed to. I prayed so hard for the medicine to work. I prayed for my Dr. to do the job that God put him on this Earth to do. And God answered my prayers, all of them. Each one of them.  Just not in the way I expected Him to. He answered them in the exact way he saw fit.  God does the craziest things, huh? I won’t even pretend to have Him, or the way He works, figured out. This goes beyond anything I could have ever imagined to happen. There really isn’t much different on paper (besides the medication) from this IUI than the others, except one thing. We have never had more people praying for us in our lives. This was the first round of fertility treatments we returned to after opening up about our struggle with infertility, where before we were very private- only confiding in a small group of people. So my friends, your prayers were not ignored either. You have taught me about God’s faithfulness through the power of prayer, and in the power of carrying the burden of others. We believe in your prayers!

The person in my support group I was the most nervous about telling was my friend, Melissa. I love this girl. She is my #soulsista. I could not walk through this journey without her by my side. We have been so close over the past couple of years, I want this just as bad for her as I want it for myself. She, of course, responded with genuine happiness and excitement for us. Which was such a gift to me, to be able to feel relief. Our news is encouraging, however there are also the other very human emotions of feeling forgotten, or left behind. I know this because I would feel them too. So my prayer warriors, can you please pray for my friend Melissa, and all of my  Sarah’s Laughter buddies? Every single one of them deserves to be a mother as much as anyone else. Melissa’s word this year is Believe. Pray that she and all of the support group girls continue to BELIEVE in God’s promises. To BELIEVE that they will one day hold their miracle in their arms. Thank God for giving me my soul sister Melissa, and for each of the girls I have been special enough to walk along side this journey with.

Last week, I officially graduated from my fertility doctor and released to my OB. This was a milestone to celebrate, but a bittersweet one. I definitely cried for the very first time in that office hugging everyone goodbye. Out of every piece of news they have ever had to give me, this was the one I couldn’t hold back the tears until I got in my car. These people have taken unbelievable care of us. They have seen me at 7am on a Sunday for blood work. They have returned my numerous phone calls answering questions to many things already told me. They held my hand and told me to “keep my chin up” when the IVF was cancelled. They cheered for us when our pregnancy test was positive. They are a part of Team Stickle.

I read the book, Finding Faith in the Dark, by Laurie Short during the two week wait. So, so good! I have way to many sentences underlined. This book hit home and was exactly what my heart needed at a time when I felt our journey turn down a road I didn’t want, or plan. If you are reading this and struggling with infertility, I am so sorry. If you are reading this and feel that very human little sting of jealousy, bitterness, anger, or sadness prick you in your ribs. It is okay. I know how you feel. Those feelings do not vanish with a positive pregnancy test, my infertility story is not over. And I don’t want it to be, I want to remember all of it so I can be there for others, so my pain has a purpose. Pregnancy announcements hurt. Use my news as one that tells how even in the dark and unexpected, when your circumstances have the best of you, God is able. God is faithful. He is always there even when He seems silent. I’m going to leave you with a few quotes from the book that I pulled strength and encouragement from:

When we give up on our story before God has finished writing it, we miss out on what our story has to give us. Sadder still, we miss out on what our story can become.”

When God does not show up the way we expect or hope, we are disappointed. At worst, we lose faith. But the very thing that can cause us to lose faith can and perhaps should have the opposite effect.”

We have to be ready to embrace circumstances we don’t want, combined with timing we wouldn’t choose, all wrapped up in an inability to see what lies ahead. But faith is believing that God is doing things we can’t see in ways we can’t imagine. Waiting to see what it will be is how faith is lived out.